Written by Jess Knauf, Director of Client Strategy at Mediate UK. Reviewed by Belinda Atkins, Managing Director, Mediate UK. Written in accordance with our editorial standards.
Main points
- Parallel parenting lets separated parents each stay fully involved with their children while keeping direct contact with each other to a minimum.
- It suits high-conflict separations, where every conversation turns into an argument and the children get caught in the middle.
- If there has been abuse, protection comes first, and mediation may not be suitable.
- A written parallel parenting plan sets out the schedule, handovers, how you communicate and who decides what.
- There is no court order called a parallel parenting order, but a child arrangements order can include the same kind of structure.
- Mediation, including shuttle mediation where you never share a room, is a practical way to agree the plan without going to court.
WHAT IS PARALLEL PARENTING?
Parallel parenting is a way of raising your children after separation where each parent runs their own household and their own time with the children, with as little direct contact with the other parent as possible. Communication is brief, written and only about the children, and the arrangements are set out in advance so there is less to argue about.
Parallel parenting is an approach many separated parents turn to when talking to each other has become impossible. This guide explains what it is, how it differs from co-parenting, what to put in a parallel parenting plan and how the courts in England and Wales treat it. It sits alongside our guide to child arrangements after separation, which covers the wider options.
What is parallel parenting?
Parallel parenting is a structured way for separated or divorced parents to share the care of their children while having very little to do with each other. Each parent makes the day-to-day decisions in their own home, the big decisions follow a written plan, and contact between the adults is kept short, polite and in writing.
The idea is simple. When parents cannot speak without arguing, every phone call, handover and school event becomes a flashpoint, and children notice. Parallel parenting aims to reduce conflict by removing as many of those flashpoints as it can. The children still have a full relationship with both parents. What changes is how much the parents need to deal with each other to make that happen.
Parallel parenting is a parenting approach and has no legal status of its own. You do not need anyone's permission to start, and it can be agreed between you, set out in a parenting plan reached through mediation, or reflected in a court order if it gets that far.
How is parallel parenting different from co-parenting?
Co-parenting relies on parents working together: talking often, being flexible, sometimes attending events together and keeping similar rules in both homes. Parallel parenting assumes that kind of cooperation is not possible for now, so it swaps flexibility for structure and conversation for short written updates.
| Area | Co-parenting | Parallel parenting |
|---|---|---|
| Contact between parents | Regular, often by phone or face to face | Limited communication, written and child-focused |
| Decision-making | Joint decision-making, talked through together | Day-to-day decisions made by whoever has the children; big decisions follow the plan |
| Household rules | Kept broadly the same in both homes | Each home sets its own, within agreed basics |
| Schedule | Flexible, swaps agreed as you go | Fixed and detailed, changes only in writing |
| School events and appointments | Often attended together | Attended separately or in turns |
| Best for | Parents who can communicate respectfully | High-conflict separations where talking leads to arguments |
Neither approach is better in every case. Many families start with parallel parenting in the first raw months and move towards co-parenting once things settle. Others stay with a parallel structure for years because it simply works for them.
When is parallel parenting the right choice?
Parallel parenting is usually the right choice when both parents want to stay involved and are safe to do so, but contact between the two of you keeps ending in conflict. The higher the level of conflict, the more structure helps. It gives the children two stable homes and keeps them out of the arguments.
Signs it may suit your family include:
- conversations about the children regularly turn into rows about the past or about money
- handovers are tense, and the children are upset afterwards
- messages go back and forth for days over small details
- the children are being asked to carry messages or are hearing criticism of the other parent
- you parent in very different ways and keep clashing over rules
When parallel parenting is not enough: safety first
High conflict and domestic abuse are not the same thing. If you or your children have experienced abuse, including coercive and controlling behaviour, your safety comes first and a parenting plan will not protect you on its own. You can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for confidential support. If you are in immediate danger, call 999.
Mediation may not be suitable where there has been abuse. Each of you attends your own first meeting with the mediator, and the mediator asks about safety privately in that meeting. Domestic abuse is also one of the exemptions from the requirement to attend a mediation meeting before applying to court.
Want help agreeing a parenting plan?
A mediator can help you agree the schedule, handovers and ground rules without the two of you having to negotiate face to face.
What goes into a parallel parenting plan?
A parallel parenting plan is a written agreement that answers the questions you would otherwise have to argue about. The more detail it has, the fewer conversations you need. Most plans cover:
- the regular parenting schedule: which days and nights the children spend with each parent, and how parenting time is split
- school holidays, birthdays, Christmas and other special days, set out year by year
- handovers: where, when and who collects, ideally at school or nursery so the parents do not meet
- how you will communicate, which channel you use and how quickly you reply
- which decisions each parent makes alone during their time, and which need agreement
- how you share information about school reports, school events, medical appointments and extracurricular activities
- what happens in an emergency, and how the other parent is told
- a few shared basics both homes keep, such as bedtimes for young children, with each home free to set its other household rules
- how changes are requested and agreed, always in writing
- a date to review the plan, for example every six months
You can draft a first version yourselves using The Divorce Circle's free parenting plan tool, then take it to mediation to fill the gaps.
For ideas on what else to cover, see our list of things to include when agreeing a parenting plan.
A parenting plan agreed in mediation is written up by the mediator, at £90 + VAT per plan (prices as of October 2026). It is not legally binding on its own, as our guide to whether a parenting plan is legally binding explains, but a plan you have both followed can help show the court what has worked if you later need to apply.
How do you communicate when parallel parenting?
When parallel parenting, you rely on written communication, through one agreed channel, and only about the children. Keep messages short, factual and polite, as you would with a colleague. Leave out feelings about the relationship, the past and money, and never use the children to pass messages.
Many parents use a dedicated app with a shared calendar and a message log, so there is a clear record and fewer missed details. We compare the options in our guide to the best parenting and co-parenting apps. A shared notebook that travels in the child's bag works too, for younger children's routines and medicines.
A simple test before you press send: would you be comfortable if a judge, or your child in ten years' time, read this message? If not, rewrite it.
How do handovers work?
Handovers work best when the parents do not need to meet or have any direct interaction. One parent drops the children at school or nursery and the other collects them. Where that is not possible, a neutral public place, a grandparent's house or a contact centre can be used, with the same time and place each week so nothing has to be negotiated.
What makes parallel parenting work?
Successful parallel parenting comes down to a few habits that high-conflict parents can stick to even on a bad day:
- set clear boundaries on when and how you contact each other, and keep to them
- accept that the other home will have different rules, and do not criticise them in front of the children
- make day-to-day decisions in your own time without asking permission, and save joint decisions for the big things the plan lists
- handle any disagreement in writing, after a pause, and only on the point in question
- keep the children out of adult matters, including money and the reasons for the separation
In some countries a parenting coordinator is appointed to settle day-to-day disputes. In England and Wales that role is usually played by a mediator, who can help you agree changes to the plan when you get stuck.
Is parallel parenting good for children?
For children whose parents cannot stop arguing, parallel parenting is usually better than the alternative. It keeps them out of the conflict, gives them predictable routines in two homes and protects their relationship with both parents. Children tend to cope with different rules in each house far better than with watching their parents fight.
This is also how the law approaches children's arrangements. Under section 1 of the Children Act 1989, the child's welfare is the court's paramount consideration, so decisions are made in the child's best interests, and the court looks at the factors in the welfare checklist, including the child's emotional needs and any harm they are at risk of. Ongoing parental conflict is one of the things that can affect children's wellbeing, which is why a parallel parenting arrangement that keeps the peace can be the better option.
Children still need to hear the right message. Tell them, in words that fit their age, that both of you love them, that the arrangements are there to make life easier, and that none of it is their fault.
Can a court order parallel parenting in England and Wales?
There is no court order called a parallel parenting order in England and Wales. If parents cannot agree, the family court can make a child arrangements order under section 8 of the Children Act 1989, and that order can set out a detailed schedule, handover arrangements and how parents communicate, which in practice creates a parallel structure.
To apply, you use the C100 form, and the court fee is £270 for applications issued on or after 13 July 2026. Our guide to completing a Form C100 walks through each section.
You usually need to attend a MIAM before applying to court about children or finances, unless an exemption applies. A Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) is a short first meeting with a mediator, held separately for each parent, to look at whether mediation could work for you.
Court is slower and more stressful than agreeing a plan yourselves. Private law children cases took 33 weeks on average to reach disposal in April to June 2026, according to the Family Court Statistics Quarterly published in September 2026. The GOV.UK guide to making child arrangements also points parents to mediation first.
Family Law Service
One hour of legal advice on child arrangements, £299 inc VAT
If you want to know where you stand before agreeing a plan, or before applying to court, our sister company Family Law Service arranges a fixed-fee hour with a family law solicitor at DFA Law to talk through your situation.
How can mediation help you set up parallel parenting?
Mediation helps you agree a parallel parenting plan with a neutral mediator doing the go-between work, so the two of you do not have to negotiate directly. It is usually quicker, less stressful and less expensive than going to court, and the plan is one you have both chosen.
The first step is a separate meeting for each of you. You can book a MIAM online for £115 + VAT per person (prices as of October 2026), and it takes place by video. If talking in the same session feels impossible, shuttle mediation keeps you in separate online rooms while the mediator moves between you. Where both parents agree, child inclusive mediation lets a specially trained mediator hear from your children directly.
Help with the cost is available. As of October 2026, the government's family mediation voucher scheme pays up to £500 (including VAT) towards mediation about child arrangements. It is not means-tested, it is one voucher per family, and it does not cover the MIAM. Our guide to the family mediation voucher scheme explains how it is applied.
You may also be eligible for free mediation through legal aid. Legal aid for family mediation is means-tested: if you meet the financial criteria, your MIAM and mediation sessions are free, whether or not there has been abuse. Mediate UK holds a Legal Aid Agency contract for family mediation, so you can check your legal aid eligibility with us, or use the GOV.UK legal aid checker.
"Parents often come to us thinking they have failed because they cannot co-parent. We tell them a parallel plan is a sensible place to start. Once the handovers stop being a battle and the messages get shorter, a lot of families find they can relax the rules a little at a time."
Jess Knauf, Director of Client Strategy, Mediate UK
Our mediators are registered with the FMC, and our clients have left 715+ 5-star reviews across our review platforms.
When can parallel parenting move towards co-parenting?
Parallel parenting can move towards co-parenting once the conflict has eased and you have both stuck to the plan for a while. Signs include messages getting shorter and friendlier, handovers passing without incident, and small changes being agreed without a dispute.
Make the change gradually and in writing. You might allow a quick phone call about a school issue, or both attend a parents' evening, and see how it goes. Use your review date to decide together whether to relax the plan further. If it does not work, going back to the parallel structure is not a step backwards.
What is the next step?
If you think parallel parenting could work for your family, start by writing down what a normal fortnight, a school holiday and a handover should look like. Then talk to a mediator about turning it into a plan you both agree. If you are not sure where to begin, a free 15-minute call is a low-pressure first step.
Frequently asked questions
What is an example of parallel parenting?
A typical example is a child who spends weekdays with one parent and alternate weekends with the other, with handovers at school on Fridays and Mondays so the parents never meet. Each parent sets their own bedtime and screen rules, and they share updates through a co-parenting app once a week.
Is parallel parenting healthy for children?
Yes, where the alternative is regular conflict between the parents. It keeps children out of arguments and gives them a stable relationship with both parents. It is not a substitute for protection where there are safety concerns.
Does parallel parenting work if the other parent is controlling or manipulative?
Parallel parenting is often recommended where one parent shows controlling or manipulative behaviour, because it limits contact and keeps a written record. If the behaviour amounts to coercive control or other abuse, put your safety first and speak to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline or a solicitor about protection.
Can the court force us to parallel parent?
Not by that name. A family court can make a child arrangements order that sets a detailed schedule, handover arrangements and how parents communicate, which has the same effect. Agreeing a plan through mediation keeps those decisions with you.
How long should parallel parenting last?
There is no set time. Some families use it for a few months after separating, others for years. Build a review date into your plan, for example every six months, and relax the arrangements only when both of you feel ready.
How do I explain parallel parenting to my children?
Keep it simple and positive: you both love them, each home has its own routines, and the plan means they always know where they will be. Avoid blaming the other parent, and reassure them that the separation is not their fault.
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Mediate UK works closely with trusted legal professionals to make sure your agreements are legally sound. Our partners include DFA Law LLP (agreements managed by SRA-regulated solicitor Rachel Adams, SRA 452750), independent barristers at St Ives Chambers (including Charmian Jackson, registered with the Bar Standards Board), and The Family Law Consultant (managed by SRA-regulated solicitor Rhiannon Compton, SRA 600560). These legal professionals support our clients with consent orders, independent advice, and final barrister reviews.
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