Ultimate Guide to Family Mediation

The number of sessions is down to you to decide based on what you need to reach an agreement. Mediate UK have no desire for you to keep returning to mediation if you are unable to move forwards or make progress. In some cases, especially where children are involved, we can decide to close down mediation if it is simply not working for you. We will hold a case review after four joint sessions to see what else can be done to help you finalise an agreement.

The average number of sessions for child arrangements is two or three 90-minute sessions and for finances, three or four 90-minute sessions.

According to the FMC's survey, the national average cost for family mediation is £140 per person per hour inc VAT. Mediate UK charge a fee of £130 including VAT per person per hour for mediation.

Some companies will charge more depending on your income or the total value of the asset base. It is important to note, that Legal Aid is still available for anyone on certain qualifying benefits or low incomes. You can find out more and see if you are eligible for legal aid here.

You can read more about who pays for mediation in our blog "Who Pays For Family Mediation?".

• It is far quicker to reach an agreement than other methods. For finances, the average length of time to receive a final court order is 11.5 months. For parenting the average wait for just an initial hearing is 3 months.
• It is more cost-effective. The average spend for family mediation for finances through mediation with Mediate UK is £540. You will be quoted in excess of £20,000 plus VAT to be represented by a solicitor through to a final financial hearing.
• It is more amicable. In mediation you are working together to solve a problem. How are we going to divide up these assets fairly? How are we going to make sure our separation does not impact our children? In court you will see yourselves as Client A vs Client B. There is nothing like a prolonged court experience to damage any ongoing parenting relationship.
• You keep control of the outcome. At court you will be given an order which you have to follow. And that can be difficult if you disagree with the court's decision.
• Family mediation can help with matters such as ongoing communication, what you will say in front of the children and how you will deal with issues that a court would not make a judgement on, such as discipling children.
• Family mediation is without prejudice, confidential and a safe environment in which to discuss matters and make proposals. It is a problem-solving experience as opposed to a confrontational one.

You don't have to mediate. But you need to show the court you have at least considered family mediation by way of attending a MIAM, before you make an application to the court on most financial or parenting matters.

The courts will want you to have tried to resolve matters amicably beforehand and it can be important to show you have acted reasonably and responsibly in attempting to do so. Most cases heard at court could and perhaps should, have been resolved outside of court. Because of this it is important to have at least found out about family mediation. Our blog, "Will it look bad if I refuse to go to mediation?" goes into more details on this subject.

Family mediators need to check that family mediation is suitable for your situation. They can only do this when they have had a chance to speak with you individually. In addition to this, family mediators need to check for any imbalances in power, and set a plan for the joint mediation sessions. It is important that you have a chance to speak clearly and openly as well, prior to any joint mediation with the other party. Doing so is more likely to get an outcome to benefit you both, rather than starting with you both in a room together from cold. Finally, they need to give you certain information about family mediation in order to qualify it as a MIAM for court paper purposes, should they later be required.

Having held your MIAM there are a few outcomes.

1. We can write to the other party, inviting them to mediation. Mediate UK send up to two approaches over a 3-week period
2. You may decide that family mediation is not suitable for your situation and we can release a form to allow you to go to court
3. The family mediator may decide that family mediation is not suitable and will sign off a form accordingly for you
4. You may want some time to consider your options, speak to family and friends or take some legal advice before deciding how best to proceed

You can read all about a MIAM and the possible outcomes here.

There are two key areas you are purchasing when you take up family mediation to resolve your issue:

1. You are buying a mediation process - that we know works in 90% of cases
2. You are paying for the family mediator's expertise to guide you through that process

It is rare we will divert from the mediation process that we know works as the mediators have just one aim only for you as clients - to help you reach a fair agreement.

As a third party, the mediator's job is to ensure that each of you has an opportunity to state your case, especially if one of you is better at articulating yours than the other.

During the mediation process, the mediator may recommend that you seek further assistance, such as from a financial or mortgage advisor or a child health professional or your employer.

They can give you options to help you discuss and narrow down choices. They can share legal knowledge and experience of how family law works or what other people have tried in a similar situation. But they cannot tell you what to do, cannot give you individual legal advice and will always remain 100% impartial.

Mediate UK have a wealth of information, legal guides and handouts, explaining each area of a divorce or separation. These can all help you to reach a good agreement and plan for the future. If you need any help on any area, you should always ask your mediator for help and they can signpost you in the right direction.

Yes. You are buying into a process that works for 90% of our clients who go on to joint mediation. The reason it works so often is the process we use, the skill of family mediator to guide you through that process and the fact that mediation is such a better alternative than going to court.

You do not need to bring anything with you to your MIAM appointment. However some people like to have a list of questions, just to make sure they do not forget to ask anything or address any concern they may have.

For a joint mediation sessions on parenting in can be helpful to consider what outcomes you would like to achieve from the meeting; how you see things working in the future with the children and whether you want to engage in child inclusive mediation.

For joint mediation sessions on finances, you will ideally need a full financial disclosure and the relevant proofs for your first session in order to get best value from the process. This is not always relevant if you have agreed to start the conversation or need to address an urgent matter first of all. It can also be helpful to have an idea of how you will fund two households from the asset pot and what your realistic needs are moving forwards. Mortgage capacity and property searches can help with this aspect when relevant to your situation.

Also remember to request a Cash Equivalent Value (CEV) for any private pensions you hold (your pension provider has up to 3 months to send you this) and use this link to see if you national insurance contributions are up to date, which can affect your state pension.

This is a common scenario and we have many cases where this was said at the start and then a compromise has been reached. What two parties say to each other in hurt or anger can be quite different to what is discussed in family mediation.

The mediator will ask you and the other party to agree to a variety of things regardless of the difficulties you are trying to resolve in mediation. Here are a few examples.

• Make an effort to listen to one another and avoid interrupting or talking over one another.
• To avoid blaming each other, concentrate on addressing the issues instead of blaming each other.
• Keep to any interim agreement reached, so that progress may be accomplished.
• Concentrate on the present and your future needs, not looking back
• Prioritise and focus on any children you have in your discussions
• Keep the discussions moving forward
• Ensure you both have a chance to have your say and explain your point
• Take you through a progressive mediation process

It's a good idea to consult with a lawyer in between sessions to make sure the terms of your agreement are fair to you.

Ideally, you want this advice to be realistic, focused on need and based on a full financial disclosure from both sides, so that they can understand the full financial picture. You can also take advice at the end of the process, once a Memorandum of Understanding has been produced.

You can use your own solicitor for this or Mediate UK can help with realistic fixed fee legal advice, including a written report of that advice.

Because you are asking a court to make a judgement on your issue, they want to ensure that you have acted reasonably and responsibly to try to come to an agreement beforehand. Part of this is considering family mediation by way of the MIAM.

There are several exceptions to this rule - fifteen in total. The exemptions tend to be around urgency due to safety, or where domestic abuse has recently taken place. You can read them all here.

By having at least considered family mediation by way of a MIAM, you can apply to court and they will ultimately make an order. The court will want to see that you have attended a MIAM, by way of a signed court form:

• Form A for finances
• Form C100 for child arrangements
• Form FM1 for some specific applications

But when you get to court, the judge will want to know your, or the other parties' reasons for declining mediation. And if they consider the case suitable for mediation, they can adjourn the hearing whilst you try and resolve the matters through family mediation. Even in such a situation, you don't have to mediate, but the judge can take this into account when making their order, and especially around deciding who pays for the legal costs.

Our blog, "Why do family mediation before court?" Goes into more detail on this subject.

Each family mediation service will have their own rules on this. Mediate UK have the following policy:

1. You can have someone in support at a MIAM. You should let the office know in advance so they can forewarn the mediator. The mediator may want to check you are there on your own volition.
2. If you need a translator, signer or someone else to aid understanding you can have a person of your own choosing present at a MIAM.
3. In joint sessions, you cannot have someone with you, unless by agreement with both sides and with the pre-approval of your mediator. There may be circumstances where a family member or someone else who both sides feel will add benefit to the discussion can be included. We would not want to frustrate the process for you both in such instances.
4. For interpreters, signers etc the mediator needs to instruct them on their behalf - they cannot be instructed by the individual in joint mediation meetings.
5. In shuttle mediation you can have someone sitting with you. They cannot mediate on your behalf and they cannot be a solicitor or barrister etc.

No, you don't need to be together on the screen or in the same room, although do carefully consider trying to mediate this way. It will make the mediation quicker and potentially more productive for you both. If you cannot be in the same room or on the same screen, then speak to your family mediator about this at your MIAM. Both parties need to agree to shuttle mediation, it is usually held over a longer time period and if face to face, the office will need to hire an additional room and arrange separate arrival and departure times. Most shuttle mediations now are therefore held online, where you are on separate screens.

The mediator will usually allocate 15-minute slots for each of you to enable parity, although his can of course change as the circumstances dictate. There is a full guide to shuttle mediation here.

Prices are usually quoted individually and you each pay your own share. In some cases one party will cover the full cost of mediation, but this is done by agreement beforehand.

If you are eligible for legal aid, you do not have to pay for mediation and the other party will have their MIAM and the first session covered under the legal aid - even if they are not eligible themselves.

At the time of writing the government have a voucher scheme for up to £500 towards joint mediation session on parenting matters only. This fund has been extended a few times, into 2022, but it is worth asking if it is still available.

Our blog "Who pays for family mediation" has more details on this subject with some example cases.

Not in most circumstances, no. There may be a situation where a judge order you to try mediation before making a judgement on your issue and they may order who will pay for the cost of mediation. But in most circumstances, you cannot be forced to pay for family mediation if you do not wish to. Although you would need to weigh up the costs of family mediation against the costs of resolving issues through other methods.

The best place to start is to enquire with friends and relatives for referrals, or, if you have one, contact your solicitor for recommendations. Alternatively, you may use the Family Mediation Council's mediator search engine to locate a mediator in your area.

Before you proceed with a family mediator it is worth undertaking a few quick checks:

1. Ensure they are registered as a family mediator on the Family Mediation Council website. If they are not, then it is unlikely they are registered as a trained family mediator and they are not governed by the statutory body.
2. Ensure they are registered with a member organisation.
3. Check the reviews for the individual mediator and the mediation service. Are the reviews good or mixed? Are there a few hundreds of them or just a handful? And are they recent or from many months, or even years ago?
4. Ask for a full price breakdown of how much mediation is likely to cost. Consider matters such as the costs of any paperwork at the end of the mediation process and any other admin costs, so you do not have any surprises along the way.

Our blog - "How to find the best divorce mediation service near me" goes into more detail on this subject too.

The short answer is no, they do not also need to be a solicitor. Many family mediators were previously solicitors and either retired or grew tired of the conflict it can bring. But a mediator's skill is in taking you through a process, keeping you focused on an end goal and sharing options with you to make decisions. Those skills are the important ones required to help you reach an agreement, alongside those of empathy, impartiality and congeniality - you need to get on with the mediator and feel comfortable in their presence.

Questions you may like to ask your family mediator are:

• How much experience does the family mediator have? Is the mediator a member of a professional organisation? Do they have professional indemnity insurance to mediate?
• On an annual basis, how many mediations do they conduct? If they are a full-time solicitor or spend the majority of time on civil mediation, they may not be the best fit for your family case.
• How much will each of you be charged for each mediation session?
• Do they have a full list of costs? Does your income or overall asset value affect this cost?
• When are they available for your mediation? If your mediation sessions must be held in the evenings or weekends, this is an important consideration in deciding who to use
• Are they going away on any leave or training soon? What happens if the mediator is unavailable?
• If you don't get on with the mediator at the MIAM, will they refund you or offer you a MIAM with a different mediator?

Yes, depending on their ages, the input of a child can be a vital part of the process on child arrangements. If you apply for a child arrangements order, the court are likely to appoint Cafcass officers - specially trained social workers - to interview the children and then compile a report back to the court. The judge will use this report to help them make an order.

In mediation, Cafcass do not get involved, but you may agree as parents to have the voice of your children heard in the process. This is called Child Inclusive Mediation and is recommended when the children are over 10 years of age and in some cases aged between 8 and 10 years old. The child inclusive mediation will be conducted by a specially trained family mediator and both parents need to agree to it. A child will never be asked to choose between parents. There is a full guide to Child Inclusive Mediation here.

This is a common concern and one you can alleviate by having your agreement made legally binding. But also remember, your agreement will have been reached by consensus between you. Research on this subject shows that the agreement is more likely to be stuck to, than by one that has been imposed on you by a third party - which the other party might well not agree with.

The mediator is there to guide you through a process to help you reach a fair outcome. They can also share legal knowledge on what the courts will and will not consider to be a fair agreement. Your solicitor can also take a view on your agreement and finally the court will need to agree it is fair if you are applying for a financial order or child arrangements order by consent.

Mediation will give you both a chance to make a financial disclosure in order to resolve issues on finances and/or property. At Mediate UK you can make this disclosure on a Form E or on our own solicitor approved spreadsheets. This disclosure, along with the relevant proofs are then swapped between you and you have the opportunity to ask questions or request further information. If one party does not make a disclosure or refuses to provide reasonable proofs, then mediation will discontinue and you will need to apply to the court for an order, where such matters will be decided upon.

You can read all about financial disclosure and the implications of not making a full disclosure here.

Typically, your lawyer will not accompany you to the mediation session. After each session, you may get legal counsel from a qualified professional to ensure that the agreements you come to are fair. It is the mediator's responsibility to ensure that you are adequately heard and that your argument is understood by everyone in attendance.

There are, however, other alternatives. Collaboration Mediation, and Hybrid Mediation are examples of two such approaches.

Collaborative mediation

Hybrid mediation

You can read more about these and other options to reach an agreement here.

Mediators are taught to remain objective in their work. They are not going to take sides or determine who they like the most. Professional family mediators make certain that both of you have the chance to express yourselves and assist you in developing a mutually agreeable strategy for the future. Talk to the family mediator about any concerns you have at the initial meeting before you begin mediation, to ensure that you have faith in their capacity to stay neutral throughout the whole mediation process. Neutrality is the key factor for any family mediation. Your mediator would not be able to practice as a family mediator for any long period of time, if they were not 100% committed to neutrality at all times.

Yes, you should still attempt mediation to reach an agreement. Your solicitor will have given you the best advice for you - and they are professionally obligated to do just that. The other party may disagree or may have had different legal advice. The mediator can work with you both to reach a fair agreement.

It's important to remember that the advice you have received from a solicitor was likely based on the fact that they believed you could fight for a certain outcome, not that a court would definitely grant you that particular outcome, or indeed that a particular outcome is the only thing that would be fair in the circumstances.

Your ex's solicitor may provide them with differing information about what a judge could order in your case. No one can accurately predict what the court would or would not decide. Otherwise, no one would ever need to go to court! The other party may make an argument that the judge decides to take into account.

The bottom line is, when you go to court you are delegating the decisions to a third party to make. In family mediation you are making those decisions between you.

Sometimes you may feel like saying, "fine, I'll see you in court." But do take a look at the reality of that decision. Firstly, as we have established, the court will want to see that you have considered family mediation before hearing your application and will possibly refer it back to mediation if they consider it a more suitable option for your case. They are unlikely to make an order at the first hearing - and that first hearing is likely to take two to three months to be heard. The average financial hearing process consists of three separate hearings, takes 11.5 months and costs £20,000 plus VAT if you are represented. It is not a quick or cheap option. And the outcome may not even go the way that you would have liked.

Yes, you have 11 options to reach an agreement. And you may even try several of them before you finalise an agreement. Family mediation is just one of the options. You could go to arbitration, or use a barrister review to give you an independent view on the unresolved issues. Our blog goes into more detail on the options open to you here if mediation breaks down.