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My Ex Refused Mediation, What Now?

What other options do you have if your ‘Ex’ refuses mediation?

Yes and No Scrabble Pieces

Divorce or separation can be fraught with emotions and difficult decisions to make. Tensions can run high and judgments can become clouded. And more often than not, you do not like one another very much. Family Mediation is always the preferred route when it comes to resolving disputes that arise during the split.  But despite your best efforts to follow the correct procedures, it is possible to encounter an uncooperative ex-partner who refuses to come to the table. So, what other options to do have if your ‘Ex’ refuses Mediation?

It’s important to acknowledge that you cannot control someone else’s actions or decisions. No matter how rational or fair your approach, you cannot force someone to engage in mediation if they are unwilling. In this blog, we’ll explore some alternative avenues to consider should you find yourself in that situation.


Before exploring other options, it’s helpful to get good legal advice. Consulting with a family law solicitor can help you understand your rights and options.  They can recommend the best course of action, based on your specific situation.

Advantages of Seeking Legal Advice
  • Informed Decision-Making: Consulting a family law solicitor give you accurate information about your rights, responsibilities, and potential outcomes. This information should help you make informed decisions that align with your best interests.
  • Tailored Guidance: Every separation or divorce is unique. A solicitor can offer personalised advice that takes your specific circumstances into account, ensuring that the recommendations are relevant to your individual situation.
  • Legal Remedies: A solicitor can outline the legal options available to you, including potential remedies to encourage cooperation from an uncooperative ex-partner. This could involve sending legal letters, proposing settlement terms, or initiating court proceedings if necessary.
  • Understanding Implications: If negotiations fail and court proceedings become a possibility, a solicitor can explain the potential implications, risks and costs associated with such a route. This allows you to weigh your options more effectively.
Disadvantages of Seeking Legal Advice
  • Cost: Legal advice comes with a cost. Depending on your financial situation, engaging a solicitor might strain your resources, especially if the case becomes prolonged or complex.
  • Emotional Distance: Legal advice focuses primarily on the legal aspects of your situation. It might not always address the emotional and psychological factors you could be struggling with during your separation or divorce.
  • Potential for Adversarial Approach: In some cases, seeking legal advice can inadvertently escalate conflicts. If both parties adopt an adversarial stance, it could make cooperation even more difficult.
  • Limited Outcome Predictability: While legal professionals can provide insights, they can’t guarantee specific outcomes. Court proceedings can be unpredictable and there’s always a level of uncertainty involved.


If mediation is off the table, your solicitors can engage in negotiation on your behalf. They can correspond with your ex-partner’s solicitors to try and reach an agreement. This method is less amicable than mediation but can be effective in some cases.

Advantages of Negotiation Through Solicitors
  • Legal AdviceProfessional Negotiation: Solicitors are skilled negotiators who can communicate your interests effectively to the other party’s legal representation. Their experience can help streamline discussions and potentially lead to a resolution.
  • Objective Approach: Negotiations through solicitors often involve a more objective perspective, focusing on legal and financial aspects rather than emotions. This can lead to more pragmatic solutions.
  • Reduced Personal Interaction: If personal interactions with your ex-partner are emotionally challenging, negotiating through solicitors can help create a buffer and reduce direct contact.
  • Legal Insights: Solicitors can provide legal advice during negotiations, ensuring that any proposed agreement is legally sound and in your best interests.
  • Documentation: Negotiations through solicitors usually result in written communication, providing a clear record of discussions and proposals. This can be valuable if the situation escalates to court.
Disadvantages of Negotiation Through Solicitors
  • Cost: Similar to seeking legal advice, using solicitors for negotiation comes with costs. The back-and-forth process of correspondence can accumulate fees.
  • Communication Delays: Negotiations can take time, especially when they involve solicitors communicating with each other. Delays might prolong the process, leading to frustration.
  • Emotionally Detached: The professional nature of negotiations through solicitors can sometimes miss addressing emotional aspects, which might be crucial for certain issues.
  • Lack of Direct Control: Relying on solicitors for negotiation means you’re less directly involved in the discussions. This can potentially lead to outcomes that don’t fully align with your preferences.
  • Possible Escalation: Depending on how negotiations unfold, the process could escalate tensions between both parties.
  • No Guarantees: There are no guarantees that spending money on a solicitor will result in reaching an agreement. And your ex may decline to correspond or communicate with them.


Collaborative law differs from the Negotiation process in that it involves a team approach, with both parties and their collaborative lawyers working together in face-to-face meetings.

Other professionals, such as financial experts or therapists, can be involved to address specific issues.

Advantages of Collaborative Law:
  • Open Communication and Cooperation: Direct communication between the parties is encouraged. This can lead to a more transparent and productive dialogue, promoting better understanding and creative problem-solving.
  • Control and Flexibility: Both parties have more direct control over the process and outcomes. They actively participate in discussions and decisions, leading to agreements that are often more tailored to their needs.
  • Avoidance of Court Proceedings: One of the main objectives of collaborative law is to reach agreements outside of court. This can save both time and money compared to traditional litigation, which can be lengthy, costly and emotionally draining. 
Disadvantages of Collaborative Law:
  • Requires Both Parties’ Cooperation: Collaborative law hinges on the willingness of both parties to collaborate. If one party is uncooperative or unwilling to engage in the process, the method might not be effective, potentially leading to frustration.
  • Limited Use if Relationship is Highly Strained: Collaborative law works best when there’s a certain level of trust and respect between the parties. If the relationship is extremely contentious or involves power imbalances, collaborative law might be less effective.
  • No Court Intervention After Disqualification: In collaborative law, if the process fails and either party decides to pursue court proceedings, the collaborative lawyers are disqualified from representing their clients in court. This might require finding new legal representation and can add complexity to the situation. 


Family arbitration is a more formal alternative to mediation. In this process, a trained arbitrator listens to both sides and makes a legally binding decision on the issues in question. This can be faster than court proceedings and offers more privacy.

Advantages of Family Arbitration:
  • ArbitrationSpeed and Efficiency: Family arbitration often proceeds more quickly than traditional court proceedings. Since the process is more streamlined and flexible, it can result in faster resolutions, saving time and reducing emotional stress.
  • Expert Decision-Maker: Arbitrators are typically experts in family law matters. Their knowledge and experience allow them to make informed and fair decisions that consider legal principles and the specific circumstances of the case.
  • Privacy and Confidentiality: Family arbitration provides a higher level of privacy compared to court proceedings. The details of the case are kept confidential, reducing the exposure of personal matters to public scrutiny.
Disadvantages of Family Arbitration:
  • Limited Right of Appeal: Arbitration decisions are legally binding and have a limited right of appeal. If you are dissatisfied with the arbitrator’s decision, it can be challenging to challenge or overturn it.
  • Cost: While often more cost-effective than court proceedings, family arbitration can still involve significant costs, including arbitrator fees and legal representation expenses.
  • Less Formal Safeguards: Compared to court proceedings, family arbitration might have fewer formal procedural safeguards. This could potentially lead to concerns about the fairness of the process, particularly in cases involving complex legal issues.


If all else fails, you may have to resort to court proceedings. While court can be time-consuming, costly, and emotionally draining, it might be necessary if your ‘ex’ refuses to engage in any form of negotiation or alternative dispute resolution.

Advantages of Court Proceedings:
  • Legal Resolution: Court proceedings provide a legally binding resolution to your dispute. The court’s decision is enforceable, ensuring that both parties adhere to the terms of the judgment.
  • Structured Process: Court proceedings follow a structured legal process, ensuring that evidence is presented, legal arguments are made and decisions are based on the law and the evidence provided.
  • Finality: Once a court decision is reached, there’s generally limited room for further appeals. This can provide closure and certainty, even if the process is challenging.
Disadvantages of Court Proceedings:
  • Time-Consuming: Court proceedings can be lengthy and time-consuming. Delays in the legal system and scheduling conflicts can prolong the process, causing frustration and further stress. The average length of proceedings in the UK is 12 months.
  • Costly: Legal fees, court fees, and other associated costs can accumulate during court proceedings. The financial burden can be significant, especially if the case is complex or drawn out.
  • Lack of Control and Finality: Unlike family mediation, where parties have a say in the outcome, court proceedings result in a judgment that is decided by a judge. This lack of control over the final decision can lead to outcomes that might not fully align with your preferences or perceived needs.
  • Emotional Toll: Court proceedings can be emotionally draining for all parties involved. The adversarial nature of the process can exacerbate tensions and emotional distress.


Avoid Acting Out of Anger

In the heat of frustration, it’s tempting to make decisions fuelled by anger. However, remember that acting out of anger can lead to regrets and worsen the situation. Take time to cool off before responding, ensuring that your choices are grounded in rationality rather than heated emotions.

Get Emotional Support 

Don’t forget to prioritise your well-being. The emotional toll of dealing with an uncooperative ex can be overwhelming.  Consider seeking emotional support from friends, family, or a therapist to help you navigate these challenging times.

Set Boundaries

While it’s good to explore various avenues for resolution, it’s equally important to set boundaries. If your ‘Ex’ consistently demonstrates an unwillingness to cooperate, you might need to re-evaluate your priorities and decide what actions you’re willing to take moving forward.


MIAM web pageIf you plan to make an application to the court, then the short answer is ‘Yes’. Although it’s not mandatory to reach an agreement through family mediation, it is mandatory to attend a MIAM before filing your application in most cases.

Family courts recognise, that going to court is not always the best place to resolve your dispute. They will want to see that you have acted responsibly (especially where children are concerned) and that you have at least considered family mediation as a means of resolution. You do this by way of attending a MIAM.

During the MIAM, a qualified family mediator will provide you with information about mediation and other alternative dispute resolution methods. They will discuss the benefits of mediation and explore whether it might be suitable in your situation, even if your ex-partner is not interested. If mediation is truly not a viable option, you can obtain a Mediation Certificate for the court application.

Family mediation is not suitable in every situation and there are currently 15 exemptions that the court will accept for you not attending a MIAM.

Not sure if you need a MIAM? Take our FREE interactive questionnaire to find out.


While mediation is undoubtedly the preferred avenue for resolving issues during a divorce or separation, remember that you can only control your own actions. Despite your best efforts to approach the situation rationally and follow all the right steps, you cannot compel someone to participate in mediation, if they are unwilling to do so.

Focusing on constructive alternatives is more productive than attempting to force cooperation where it does not exist.   While it is natural to hope for mutual engagement and a resolution, it’s equally important to understand and evaluate your available options in the event that that is not feasible. The ultimate objective here, is to achieve a fair and practical solution that is beneficial for both parties. And let you both move on with your lives.

Want more options? Take a look at our 11 ways to reach an agreement on your divorce or separation or get in touch with us today.


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